Editor's note: When men go hunting, they are either looking for a lady to flirt with or a woman to love. Sarki Gadah, the NAIJ.com partner blogger, explores the reasons why your boyfriend may dump you. He also advises how to get one who will stay.
Gadah is the founder of Psychologist Magazine, which exists to help improve the standard of human experience in areas of health, parenting and relationship.
More details in NAIJ.com’s step-by-step guide for guest bloggers.
This reality however does not explain why men dump women because stories on why men dump women are always complicated. Here are some of them:
1. He only wanted to flirt.
2. There is another woman.
3. He realise you are not what he thought you were.
4. He could no longer endure your excesses (over dependence, character problem, jealousy, dominating disposition etc).
5. You don’t suit his class or meet his expectations.
We are not going to dwell on that because I am most interested in your future and also helping you to get into a stable and a happy relationship.
READ ALSO: The surprising truth about addiction
HOW TO GET THE ONE THAT WILL STAY
The following points are very crucial principles. They may not guarantee a stable relationship 100%; but if you adopt and use them, be sure that you are on the track to becoming a better woman with strong-will and high emotional intelligence.
Step 1: Qualify to be justified
Every woman seem to know the kind of man she wants. The problem, however is that they don’t know how to attract and keep that kind of person. A lady wrote me a couple of months ago seeking counsel for the predicament she was in. She was actually at the verge of another break up. She have had countless heartbreaks and was wondering why good men never crossed her path. Is such a claim possible? Yes it is.
The kind of life you live, clothes you wear, places you go to and friends you keep determine to a large extend the kind of people you attract. If you want a responsible man, you must be responsible from the inside-out. If you want a God fearing man, you ought to be God fearing. There are no two ways about it, that is how it works. Even the “bad guys,” when they are eventually done with flirting and wants to be serious with life, most of them resolve to descent and responsible girls.
Step 2: Look before you leap
Get this straight: all men are liars until proven otherwise. Moving around with this mindset keeps you mentally prepared to take control of your emotions and what may influence it. Do not allow the care, attention, affection, ever flowing complements and all the gestures from any guy sweep you off your feet. Ladies are easily carried away by this. When they are given the drug of too much attention, affection, care and complements over and over again, they begin to melt and seemingly lose the ability to think straight.
The principle of looking before you leap is very important. All those charms are acting like a drug. The brain has a pleasure centre which when stimulated, produces dopamine – a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good. When you are awashed with too much of what feels good, your ability to think rationally is automatically altered. The guy trying to woo you into going out with him may be attractive, sweet, affectionate or what ever you chose to see in him. But remember, that is not what you are looking for. You are looking for someone who will stay. He might be romantic, but his intentions might be evil, he might be another gangster who is only interested in flirting with you and nothing more.
READ ALSO: How to lie to women using euphemisms
To be at a safer side, think of him as a flirt and his charms as the tool he is trying to use in wooing you to his bed and then break your heart. From a distance, assess his advances. By his fruit, you will know him. Is he acting like a flirt or a gentleman? Is he respecting your personal space or he is the type that wants to get intimate almost immediately? What about his dressing and the kind of language and words he use? What is he really attracted to in you. You can tell a lot about people’s intentions towards you by identifying what they chose to see in you. Know this today, there is nothing like “love at first sight.” There can be attraction at first sight but certainly not love. Be careful with the guy that claim he is madly in love with you, giving some unrealistic explanations of what you mean to him when he barely even know you.
Step 3: Dig deeper
This is what most girls fail to observe before accepting a man into their life. They always rush to accept the sweet and romantic guy without knowing anything about him. When you ask what they know about their new boyfriend, all they can tell is “he is tall, dark or maybe fair, handsome and above all very romantic.” A lady once said “in fact, I did not just fall in love but somersaulted in love.” That same lady was dumped six months later and suffered a terrible heart break. No matter how much you desire this guy, give yourself time to dig deep and don’t hesitate to ignore him for the rest of your life if you find out that he is not genuine.
READ ALSO: How marriages turn sour
But if you find out that he is a gentleman and genuine after all your assessments, you can accept to go out on a date with him (it doesn’t mean you’ve accepted his proposal. Spell it out clearly). On your date(s), ask questions about his values and beliefs on matters as spirituality, gender roles and responsibilities. Ask about his fears, hobbies and interest; then listen to the expository speech about himself. Because he doesn't know what is in you expect to hear, he is left with no choice than to be honest.
Also, get to know the kind of friends he keeps, he can't be anything different from them. If he is the kind of person you really want to be involve with, take your time, then tell him yes. You can add some creativity to how you do it. That will send a unique and unfamiliar message: that you are a complete package and different from the rest.
The relevance of taking your time to assess him and dig deep can never be over emphasised. It can save you a lot of stress and has the power of changing any negative impression he might have formed about you.
Step 4: Set boundaries and spell them out clearly
Do not be in a haste to go intimate with this new guy. Set boundaries and spell them out clearly. It should include: no intimacy and no sex.
“But if I do that, I may lose him,” you may say.
The response to that statement is yes, you may. But then, think of it this way: if this guy loses interest in you just because you refuse to go intimate with him, what does that say about his interest? If he can leave for this reason, what makes you think he will stay if he succeeded. Real men love challenges and they value everything they acquire through hard work.
If he truly love you, he will stay. Isn’t true love what you are looking for? To achieve your goal, fight the temptation of seeing each other frequently and be sure you protect your personal space. Get to know each other very well before going intimate. Going intimate means giving him the key to your soul (moreover, intimacy should be grounded on matrimony and trust).
It is important to note that these principles are not as easy as they seem. But with discipline and determination, they are doable. Always focus on your goal and never allow your emotions to determine your actions. Develop these skills and allow them to become part of you. And note, attracting a man is one thing and keeping him is another thing entirely.
More details in NAIJ.com’s step-by-step guide for guest bloggers.
NAIJ.com welcomes writers, bloggers, photographers and all sorts of “noise makers” to become a part of our Bloggers network. If you are a seasoned writer or a complete newbie – apply and become Nigeria’s next star blogger.
Send us some info about your career, interests and expertise and why you’d like to contribute to the Blogger Network at firstname.lastname@example.org Also, please send us the link to your blog and three examples of your work.