An unidentified flying object (UFO) managed once again to kidnap a man from a small town in New Mexico who, upon his return to Earth, just would not shut up about what happened to him, local media reports.
The official police report states that a 42-year-old farmer named Jason Mayers disembarked an alien spacecraft, and after safely returning home, immediately began screaming, yelling, and generally bothering random citizens of El Rancho whom he forced to listen to his story with such feverish intensity that he was fined later this afternoon for creating a public disturbance.
“Why do these UFOs always kidnap people who won’t shut up about it?” David Brandon, sheriff of El Rancho, asked a team of local reporters. “It’s always the same thing. Every time this sort of thing happens, we always end up having to deal with some nut who keeps on yelling for days about how he was beamed up onto a spaceship full of little green beings or some kind of nonsense like that. Why won’t they just stay mute and traumatized?” the sheriff added.
Sheriff Brandon also told journalists that if he was ever anally probed by creatures from another galaxy that he wouldn’t go around telling the media and everybody in town about it. As the sheriff said, “I would keep stuff like that to myself.” In an exclusive interview, Mr. Meyers told local reporters that at first he was amazed to see a glowing unidentified flying object hovering above his rural home in the night sky, but that then he started to think that maybe he was just losing his mind.
After a detailed investigation of the site where the victim was allegedly abducted, an official CIA report concluded that “the subject was clearly way too drunk, saw a firebug, tripped on a loose step, and managed to get something stuck in his behind.”